We asked Ruth van Reken, co-author of Third Culture Kids: Growing Up Among Worlds, how she would advise any parents who are questioning their decision to relocate.
The good with the bad
Having been an expat (TCK) child herself, and as a mother of TCKS, Ruth has learned (through all stages of life) that we have to take the good with the bad when living in another culture. “When the sociologist Morton Ender asked TCK adults what they liked best about their childhood, they always talked about how much of the world they got to see. When he asked what they found the hardest, invariably they said ‘the moving’!” says Ruth.
Meaningful experiences
“So there’s no question we, as parents, have to acknowledge the paradoxical nature of this experience. When I visited the US, my teen daughters quickly discovered they weren’t nearly as good at swimming as their American peers. As a teen I had been a bad swimmer after growing up in Nigeria and I felt so guilty, thinking that I had failed them, until I remembered all of the wonderful first-hand cultural experiences they’d had which their American peers had not.”
Understanding the cycles
Besides talking about the ‘why’ (“why we’re moving”), Ruth advises parents to be aware of the normal transition cycle that everyone goes through: “No matter how positive life is going to be after a transition, there’s no question that leaving is always a loss. Saying goodbye well is an important part of being able to say hello well,” says Ruth, who endorses Dave Pollock’s ‘RAFT mnemonic’ (previously featured on Global Connection) to prepare for departures.
Portable traditions
“I’d also advise families to develop portable traditions so no matter where they are, there is a rhythm and a sense of ‘This is us… who we are as a family, this is our identity…’” adds Ruth, whose own father was fond of advising others, when it came to relocation: ‘Unpack your bags, plant your trees.’ “Through their expat journey, as parents deal with the losses, how are they consciously building on the benefits? Do they take time to travel and learn about the cultures they are passing through, or do they just ignore them? Do the children learn the local language? A positive attitude toward the country they are in and the people goes a long way to helping a family thrive in what was once an unfamiliar place.”
